Deliver us from the girls...!
Music is fun; music rules the world. Music heals the world. Without music, the world could go extinct in an hour, jilted lovers would have no way to nurse their broken hearts back to life, there would be no reminding ourselves that ‘I was here, I lived, I loved, I was here!!’[i] Certainly, without music church would be this tasteless and drab. Music makes the world go round.
Yet, do you know that the very musicians that spill our all-time favourites would turn Devils, unless they are guided by certain ethics in their professions as musicians, whether they are actually making money from it or not? Though fans love their music idols, they will not hesitate to bash them when they feel let down. And one prime area of let-down is in the area of sexual harassment.
How do you handle the girls when they are all over you? Get them laid? Or threat them as sisters[ii]; because one wrong step and you could be prosecuted. From simple two-member bands to large orchestras, musicians need to nip the habit of sexual laxness in the bud, early enough before it destroys them, their fans, the career and the world. The solution lies in being ethical. It starts little but ends big.
Sexual assault in bands occur due to a serious lack of boundaries. This does not mean that band members are under obligation to be perfect; no, the grace of God extends new starts to those who fall into sin, realize it, repent and come back to the Lord. However, if we keep failing in the same ditch because we lack boundaries, that could not be the grace of God in operation. Neither can it be prayed away. We need to confront and tackle the issue at the roots. More often than not, church is filled with spiritually pious talk that does not allow us to speak about setting sexual boundaries within music bands. The reality is this: you cannot, on any account, act professionally if you disregard or are unaware that the music profession and the music ministry is bound by certain rules of conduct called ethics; including ethics regarding how one relates with the opposite sex.
These are a few ways one could be erring on the sexual side:
Making sexual comments to a band member or touching them inappropriately
The entertainment industry, worldwide, is riddled with sexual assault cases that have resurfaced in what has become known as the ‘Me-too movement’[iii]. For instance, in complimenting a girl about how pretty her outfit looks, desist from using such words as ‘sexy, hot, desirous’ and instead focus on the dress. Simply saying what a dress is nice should be enough to signal that you are human enough to appreciate beauty when you see it.
Commenting on a band member’s body parts (such as their breasts, buttocks or crotch etc.) is a no, no. Ladies must not to come across as flirtatious by the way they dress, talk, and/or act towards the males. Instigating a man to sexual fantasies by getting nude is as unholy as it gets. It is assault, prosecutable by law. It also constitutes emotional abuse. For instance, you should not keep complimenting on a male member’s biceps for so long it begins to sound creepy. You should neither insult a male’s masculinity even if it were meant for a joke. Remember, we are to speak with seasoned words that we can ‘minister grace to those who hear us’[iv].
In any mixed band, its inevitable that sparks fly; attraction to the opposite sex does not just happen with singles but also with the married and steady. That is a perk that comes with being human. Yet, a wise band member does not act by feelings but by maturity. Band members must act maturely in all their dealings with each other and with others. Touching a band member sexually without their consent is damaging to a band member’s character as well as to the victim. What a person is, in character, is more important than what he displays on stage. That is one foolproof way to avoid a #metoo scandal.
Victims of such harassment would feel devastated, humiliated and violated. These touches include groping, kissing them, or having intercourse with them forcefully even if they are not minors. God does not violate our will; neither should we violate another person's will only because we can. The fact that the victim does not react strongly against an assault does not give a Christian, much less a band member permission to continue or even start the act in the first place. The Bible says not to ‘defraud each other in such matters’[v]. Besides, these acts constitute rape and are worth going to jail for.
Being alone with the opposite sex who is not a spouse
It is uncalled for and unethical, especially in Christian bands, to be alone with the opposite sex in secluded and isolated places. The best place to be alone with another is in the team, along with other band members where you can both be seen and the checks are fully on. We are to abstain from every appearance of evil. Besides, when you wander off alone with a member of the opposite sex you may be sending a signal to others that such behaviour is okay and acceptable. Remember, there might be an immature band member not as strong to withstand sexual temptation as you, taking copious notes and highlighting the main points.
Dating a band member still does not mean you should be indifferent to those around you, engaging in sexually suggestive behaviour. We are to be above reproach, as royal priesthoods chosen and sanctified to the ministry of worshipping the Lord.
Counselling with, praying with, encouraging or rehearsing with a member of the opposite sex should never be done alone, behind closed and tightly secured doors. The Bible says that we need to do this not for our sakes but for the sake of others[vi]. Then our professions or ministry would not be brought into question. Then outsiders would not wander off with gossip that the choir is a place teaming with promiscuity. Let your conduct be above board.
Unhealthy emotional attachment
One often overlooked element of sexual misconduct is the risk of getting too close to the opposite sex. How does that happen? This happens when we encourage sharing deeply sexual secrets with someone who has not earned a place of intimacy, a.k.a. a spouse, in our lives. When a lady does this she exposes herself to exploitation. If they were a married man or a woman, it would be best to share such secrets with their own spouses; not even some other married person. When such marital illegalities are encouraged it creates spiritual and emotional gaps for the church family, the band and the marriages.
When it comes to unburdening oneself of secrets, I advise singles to 'share with a leader or another female or male friend of your kind', with whom there would be no risk of developing emotional attachments. Emotional and deep sharing creates bonds that are hard to break once they are formed. Soul ties are toxic, and lethal for bands, fans and the persons involved.
Once upon a time there was a clever red fox that spotted a tiny bird with a huge chunk of cheese up in the tallest branch of the tallest tree in the woods. Of course, Foxy could not let this cheese remain with that tiny thing of a bird so he devised a plan. Batting his eyelids just once, he started, and in his best and loudest voice, singing praises to this tiny sparrow who had just taken a pose to gulp down the delicious cheese it had gotten straight from the dairy at the risk of her life. With the cheese in her beak, and the praise continually pouring forth Sparrow became unsettled: Now, that was some gorgeous feathers she did not know that she had. And, she had not known that her claws were all pointy and her eyes were all beady and dazzling as the sun. She could not help herself when Foxy commented on what a fine voice she had; hers sounded like the chorale singers in the Vatican. That did it for Sparrow. She opened her beak to chirp, and down fell that huge chunk of cheese. In a flash, Foxy was gone with cheese in mouth.
Unfortunately, uncountable foxes get mixed in with the lot in the music industry and the ministry across churches and music groups worldwide. No one, unknowingly, plays the Fox. Their intentions may not be explicit; but their target is sure. They will get the cheese if you let them. Beware the fox: music is capable of turning you into one.
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End Notes:
[i] Song by Beyoncé
[ii] I Timothy 5:2
[iii] Is an international movement against sexual harassment and assault. #MeToo spread virally in October 2017 as a hashtag used on social media to help demonstrate the widespread prevalence of sexual assault and harassment, especially in the workplace. It followed soon after the public revelations of sexual misconduct allegations against Harvey Weinstein
[iv] Ephesians 4:29
[v] I Thessalonians 4:3-6
[vi] Romans 14:21; I Corinthians 10:29